G-Spot How-To: Make Her Squirt, Squeal, and Squirm!

1. Interactive Fleshlight with Corresponding Computer Sex Game (with video)

So what we’ve got here is a fleshlight that’s had some sensors installed in it to make it interactive with a computer game you can play (with your penis!!) where you have sex with a simulated 3D woman in a virtual bedroom. Hm…nifty. The company in question, Citouch (see their website here), is charging $39.99 for the interactive bit that you hook up to the fleshlight itself and does not include the fleshlight, that’s another $50 or $60 or so. The way the controller works is that it has a replacement endcap for the fleshlight with an air pressure sensor hooked up to it through a clear plastic tube, this air sensor goes to the USB port, and that tells the game what…um…what your dick is doing…because as you thrust it changes the air pressure inside the fleshlight. Hm. Right, so you use your penis as a pneumatic pump. Anyway, here’s a short little demo video the company has put together I thought was rather amusing (definitely NSFW, btw):

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2. The Accommodator (aka “A fucking chin dildo”)

Aaaannd we’ve got a flesh-colored rubber dildo that you that you can strap to your chin. Great. It would make an awesome gag prop: wear it to parties, wear it on Halloween, wear it to your friend’s bachelor party, whatever.

Ok, seriously, what it’s supposed to be used for is so that your partner can have a dildo in her while you’re going down on her so she’s being penetrated and licked off at the same time. This IS kind of a good idea, but not really: you can’t move the thing in and out while you’re licking away at her clit, you just can’t, it’s not physically possible, and if it’s not thrusting in and out then it’s not really going to do anything for her, therefore making it totally pointless. If you’ve got a sense of humor like me, you can get it from Amazon for about 20 bucks: The Accomodator Oral Strap-On Chin Dildo

3. Would You Like to Get Fucked by a Wallaby?

If you’d like to have a fake plastic replica of a Wallaby’s genitals to fuck yourself with, then, my friend, today is your lucky day! Have I got a deal for you! For just $60 you, too, can get your own Wallaby genitals sex toy to didle yourself and frighten the neighborhood children with! Just go to bad-dragon.com and place your order.

4. Or Perhaps You’d Prefer a Dolphin

And if flipper gave you your first woody as a kid, then perhaps “The Dolphin”, also available from bad-dragon.com, is…erm…right up your alley? Up until a few months ago I didn’t even know that there were serious zoophiles who genuinely had a thing for dolphins…SO weird.

A quote from the product description: “Playful and friendly, dolphins are some of the most intelligent creatures on the planet! Known for many things, dolphins have gained a reputation for saving drowning sailors, playing happily alongside boats of all sizes, and something else; something far more lusty! The Dolphin comes in 3 sizes, and supports our dual firmness, meaning you can have the feel of firm bellyscales/slit mixed with a firm, willing cock!”

5. Vagina in a Can

Ohhh, you knew we were going to be featuring some Japanese stuff on this list (wait till you get to the blowjob machine below! ), and this is something you can allegedly buy from vending machines on the streets of Japan, along with little girls’ used panties, in case you’re a salaryman on your lunch break and fancy a quick jerk in the bathroom after you finish your sandwich. If you pop one open this is what you’ll see that you’ll be sticking your dick in (it’s some kind of pre-lubed polymer, lovely):

6. Japanese Blowjob Machine

Some writer for Gizmodo came across this while he was browsing through one of their likely many sex stores in the Akihabara section of Tokyo–it comes with all sorts of different “mouths” you can switch out that all have different textures–oh wow, I can see what it really feels like to get a blowjob from a toothless crackwhore, someone suffering from terrible dry-mouth, or Paris Hilton on meth by putting it on “high”! Yeah!

7. Ejaculating Dragon Dick that Shoots Artificial Dragon Semen 5 Feet in the Air

I think this might actually be the weirdest thing here: the fact that it’s a dragon’s penis is bad enough, but that alone makes it no worse than the dolphin dick, however this one comes with an electric pump type of hookup and some artificial semen so you can simulate the sensation of having a fucking dragon ejaculate inside of you. Oh boy. Not only does it do this, but they’ve apparently decided to accurately simulate what one would assume would be the force with which a dragon would actually ejaculate (quite a lot, right?), sooooo:


























It’s available from, no surprise by this point, from bad-dragon.com for $100.

8. Sparkling Edward Vampire Penis

Fuck me, I hate Twilight. Right, well, I am a capitalist so props to whoever came up with this thing, I’ve no doubt whatsoever that you’ll find millions of 14 year old girls and lonely fat housewives who will be just tripping over each other to give you $39.99 for your sparkling vampire cock. And oh, look, they’ve put out a video. Oh joy:

9. Rubber Shit n’ Piss Pants

Holy fuck. If you think this is hot you’ve got some weird fucking sexual preferences going on. I would never say what someone should or should not be able to do sexually, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, but damn this is some nasty shit–just what in god’s name happened to a person as a child that would cause them to develop a fetish like this?!

Ok, anyway, well not only can you piss in it but for enema-fetishists it’s got a…thing…in the rear to…take care of that, as well. So, for just $425 you can walk around anywhere in public pissing and shitting all over yourself and noooo one will be the wiser. Believe me, the rest of us are truly overjoyed at this proposition.

Fuck that’s some nasty shit.

For More Weirdness…

You could check out Crazy-Ass-Sex-Toys.com (I think you can guess what they’re all about)

Cracked.com also put together a really good list of 18 of the world’s most disturbing sex toys.