So what we’ve got here is a fleshlight that’s had some sensors installed in it to make it interactive with a computer game you can play (with your penis!!) where you have sex with a simulated 3D woman in a virtual bedroom. Hm…nifty. The company in question, Citouch (see their website here), is charging $39.99 for the interactive bit that you hook up to the fleshlight itself and does not include the fleshlight, that’s another $50 or $60 or so. The way the controller works is that it has a replacement endcap for the fleshlight with an air pressure sensor hooked up to it through a clear plastic tube, this air sensor goes to the USB port, and that tells the game what…um…what your dick is doing…because as you thrust it changes the air pressure inside the fleshlight. Hm. Right, so you use your penis as a pneumatic pump. Anyway, here’s a short little demo video the company has put together I thought was rather amusing (definitely NSFW, btw):

2. The Accommodator (aka “A fucking chin dildo”)

Aaaannd we’ve got a flesh-colored rubber dildo that you that you can strap to your chin. Great. It would make an awesome gag prop: wear it to parties, wear it on Halloween, wear it to your friend’s bachelor party, whatever.

Ok, seriously, what it’s supposed to be used for is so that your partner can have a dildo in her while you’re going down on her so she’s being penetrated and licked off at the same time. This IS kind of a good idea, but not really: you can’t move the thing in and out while you’re licking away at her clit, you just can’t, it’s not physically possible, and if it’s not thrusting in and out then it’s not really going to do anything for her, therefore making it totally pointless. If you’ve got a sense of humor like me, you can get it from Amazon for about 20 bucks: The Accomodator Oral Strap-On Chin Dildo

3. Would You Like to Get Fucked by a Wallaby?

If you’d like to have a fake plastic replica of a Wallaby’s genitals to fuck yourself with, then, my friend, today is your lucky day! Have I got a deal for you! For just $60 you, too, can get your own Wallaby genitals sex toy to didle yourself and frighten the neighborhood children with! Just go to bad-dragon.com and place your order.

4. Or Perhaps You’d Prefer a Dolphin

And if flipper gave you your first woody as a kid, then perhaps “The Dolphin”, also available from bad-dragon.com, is…erm…right up your alley? Up until a few months ago I didn’t even know that there were serious zoophiles who genuinely had a thing for dolphins…SO weird.

A quote from the product description: “Playful and friendly, dolphins are some of the most intelligent creatures on the planet! Known for many things, dolphins have gained a reputation for saving drowning sailors, playing happily alongside boats of all sizes, and something else; something far more lusty! The Dolphin comes in 3 sizes, and supports our dual firmness, meaning you can have the feel of firm bellyscales/slit mixed with a firm, willing cock!”

5. Vagina in a Can

Ohhh, you knew we were going to be featuring some Japanese stuff on this list (wait till you get to the blowjob machine below! ), and this is something you can allegedly buy from vending machines on the streets of Japan, along with little girls’ used panties, in case you’re a salaryman on your lunch break and fancy a quick jerk in the bathroom after you finish your sandwich. If you pop one open this is what you’ll see that you’ll be sticking your dick in (it’s some kind of pre-lubed polymer, lovely):

6. Japanese Blowjob Machine

Some writer for Gizmodo came across this while he was browsing through one of their likely many sex stores in the Akihabara section of Tokyo–it comes with all sorts of different “mouths” you can switch out that all have different textures–oh wow, I can see what it really feels like to get a blowjob from a toothless crackwhore, someone suffering from terrible dry-mouth, or Paris Hilton on meth by putting it on “high”! Yeah!

7. Ejaculating Dragon Dick that Shoots Artificial Dragon Semen 5 Feet in the Air

I think this might actually be the weirdest thing here: the fact that it’s a dragon’s penis is bad enough, but that alone makes it no worse than the dolphin dick, however this one comes with an electric pump type of hookup and some artificial semen so you can simulate the sensation of having a fucking dragon ejaculate inside of you. Oh boy. Not only does it do this, but they’ve apparently decided to accurately simulate what one would assume would be the force with which a dragon would actually ejaculate (quite a lot, right?), sooooo:


























It’s available from, no surprise by this point, from bad-dragon.com for $100.

8. Sparkling Edward Vampire Penis

Fuck me, I hate Twilight. Right, well, I am a capitalist so props to whoever came up with this thing, I’ve no doubt whatsoever that you’ll find millions of 14 year old girls and lonely fat housewives who will be just tripping over each other to give you $39.99 for your sparkling vampire cock. And oh, look, they’ve put out a video. Oh joy:

9. Rubber Shit n’ Piss Pants

Holy fuck. If you think this is hot you’ve got some weird fucking sexual preferences going on. I would never say what someone should or should not be able to do sexually, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, but damn this is some nasty shit–just what in god’s name happened to a person as a child that would cause them to develop a fetish like this?!

Ok, anyway, well not only can you piss in it but for enema-fetishists it’s got a…thing…in the rear to…take care of that, as well. So, for just $425 you can walk around anywhere in public pissing and shitting all over yourself and noooo one will be the wiser. Believe me, the rest of us are truly overjoyed at this proposition.

Fuck that’s some nasty shit.

For More Weirdness…

You could check out Crazy-Ass-Sex-Toys.com (I think you can guess what they’re all about)

Cracked.com also put together a really good list of 18 of the world’s most disturbing sex toys.

Ok, well I’ve learned and consequently tried a number of different things, many of which simply did not work (male multiple orgasms, anyone?), but a few I found really did help and those are the tips I’m giving you here today (first, I’ll give you a few simple physical training tips you can try, I’ll address the psychology/anxiety problem, which is often FAR more important, at the end):

Last Longer with Kegels

Start doing those kegels: I started doing this in an attempt to do the male multiple orgasm thing and after several months never was able to make it work, but it did allow me to start lasting progressively longer in bed to the point where instead of lasting 10 or 15 minutes it was more like 1-2 hours on average. Oh, by the way, this will also make your erections harder (a nice added bonus). I’ve got a really good video (SFW) for you in a second to show you what to do, but first I’ll add that you don’t need anything to do these exercises (although having something to resist against doesn’t hurt) and you can literally do them anywhere, no one will notice–this is the thing I really loved about them, I could kegel while I was waiting for my food at a restaurant, working at my computer, whatever (only thing is the faces you might make because you’re putting a lot of effort into it will make people think you’re constipated or having a seizure or something ). I’d recommend doing a setup like this, and then slowly raise the numbers (reps, sets, and how long you hold each rep) over time: 3 sets of 5 reps holding for 5 seconds per rep done every other day, for example, and then after a couple weeks go to 3 sets of 7 reps holding for 10 seconds per rep, etc. I wouldn’t ever do it more than every other day, you do need rest and recovery time just like if you were working any other muscle. Here’s the video:

(yes, he’s gay and is obviously directing this video towards gay men, yes this site is primarily aimed at straight men, no I don’t think it matters: he did the best job explaining things of all the videos on this that I viewed, so his is the one I picked)

The easiest way to find your PC muscle is this: the muscle you use to stop yourself peeing mid-pee is the PC muscle, that’s the one you want to work. In my opinion that’s the easiest way to figure this out for sure, and doing that (stopping yourself part-way through a couple of times while you’re peeing) is also an excellent kegel exercise you can do from time to time when you go to the men’s room at work or wherever else.

How to use this during sex

Now, the way that you use this to make yourself last longer is during sex, right before what we shall call “the point of no return” (the point where there is no way you can actually stop yourself from ejaculating, it is going to happen now no matter what), you stop and tense up your kegel muscles and hold it for about 10 or 15 seconds. This should seriously put on the brakes very quickly without causing you to lose your erection. Then you can start back up again (slowly–eventually you’ll be able to do this without stopping at all) and you should be able to go at it for another 5-15 minutes or so before you reach the point of no return yet again, at which point you can kegel (or cum, up to you) and hold it again, then start back up, etc., etc., etc. You will likely find that the amount of time this buys you after you do it will get progressively shorter each time you use it, but in my opinion this alone was responsible for taking me from lasting only 10 or 15 minutes up to lasting for over an hour.

Practice and Real-Life Application

The way to get really good at this really quickly (couple of weeks at the most) is to practice it when you masturbate–right before you reach the point of no return, hit the brakes, wait only as long as you think you need to, and start back up again; keep doing this and see how long you can last. I remember that I started out averaging about 10 minutes per session, then a started doing the kegels, and slowly moved up to 15, 20, 25 minutes, and eventually (and I was ecstatic when I did this) I hit the half-hour mark.

Now, just do the same thing when you have sex: right before you hit the point of no return, hit the breaks and stop thrusting–you should only need to do this for about 10-20 seconds, and eventually you won’t have to stop at all–then change positions (recommended but not necessary) and start back up again. Couple this with other techniques (mainly changing positions and taking little mini-breaks) during sex and you’ll be lasting for over an hour after you put it in her (in other words, that hour doesn’t include foreplay, it starts when you put your dick in the girl).

Psychology, Anxiety, and a Pre-Packaged Training Program for You

My friend, who actually helped me with this problem a loooong time ago, finally took my advice and put together a whole program for guys to follow that allows you to have complete control over when you cum (you know you can make your body do what you want, it’s just an issue of figuring out how and practicing it)–you can have quickies or you can go for a couple of hours such that she has trouble waddling to the bathroom, it’s your choice, and it can be completely under your control as it ought to be. Remember, for most guys this is a psychological issue that has to do with anxiety, and the physical stuff like kegels, although a nifty and sometimes useful trick, won’t address the more severe cases out there and it’s sometimes not even necessary. His program addresses BOTH aspects: the mental and the physical. Yes, he includes a training regimen for doing kegels, but the primary thrust (pardon the pun) of it is the psychological training, it’s losing that anxiety that you may be having around women (especially when they’re naked ). Check it out here: Cum on Command!

That is all, feel free to leave a comment (which probably won’t happen since I have no readers and no traffic as of right now, lol ).